I've been telling folks to pay attention to their emotions and body symptoms for the clues they give to their core values. For example, when feeling energized and grounded - values are being honored. I was feeling my energy deflating and sensed tension. I knew it was related to my work, and it finally became clear this past weekend.

Lesson # 1 for the coach - Take the time to figure out WHY I am feeling what I'm feeling.

I've been receiving an e-newsletter which promotes a system for "attracting" clients. Anyone who is in a business which relies on providing a service to clients has probably seen similiar materials. Often these messages start with a brief description of a glorious vacation spot she had just enjoyed. In other words, "you too can have the trappings of success if you follow my system." Then I found myself thinking about dressing for success. (Another common theme.) I found myself getting caught up in image. Oh my gosh, had I returned to high school? The tension was building.

We are bombarded daily with the message that we need to project the image of being successful. Not only are we to have new cars, nice clothing, and amazing vacations, our inner critic (gremlin) also tells us to project that we have it all together. We are to project that we are always mentally healthy, physically fit and if we have gray hair and wrinkles we are at least making successful attempts at covering and de-creasing. We may have had dysfunction in our family of origin, but our children are being raised beautifully with our wonderful parenting skills, and our relationships are flourishing. Right? I don't normally swear, but I want to say that to present that we are always "together" is a bunch of hooey! I am not a perfect person. I'm not always on the top of the world. Sometimes it feels like it's on top of me. My home has times of discord in addition to the times of harmony.

Living a life which is meaningful and authentic means acknowledging and living ALL that life brings. If you have a struggle with depression, chronic illness, loss, a troubling relationship, or you just created one of those awful parenting moments, you don't have to wear a false mask of hooey success. Instead, acknowledge it as part of the fabric of life, and find additional support from another.

Yesterday morning I had coffee with some women friends who are neighbors. We are authentic with each other and we quickly got to a common topic of concern for us - parenting our kids. We are able to share honestly about the struggle, the humor and the aggravation of raising our very human children with our very human, albeit well-intentioned ways. We admit to not being perfect, and find wonderful tips and advice from each other. We left coffee feeling the bond of friendship expressed in our honesty and mutual support.

Lesson # 2 for the coach - It is when we are most genuine and authentic, especially when we are vulnerable with a trusted other, when we drop our masks, that we form the most honest and deep connections with others and even with ourselves.

I have had a couple of clients say apologetically at the start of a session that they aren't quite feeling up to par with their enthusiasm and maybe wouldn't be such a great client this day. I needed to clarify that coaching isn't about projecting that we are always at the top. It's about both those times of celebration and those times of uncertainty. It's about using what you've learned about who you are (finding that core) and where you are heading (your intention) in the midst of what happens as you traverse your path. This understanding helps to inform you on your choices and keep you grounded, even when the ground is feeling a bit shakey. No masks and no apology needed.

Do I unmask at every opportunity, for example with the Kwik Trip cashier? Do I unload my personal concerns to clients in a session? No, to both of those. In the first situation, the other isn't a significant relationship in my life, and in the second, my role as a coach is to be fully present to the client, honest about my foibles yet focused on their reality not mine.

This coach's intention: I am letting go of creating an image and going forward with being genuine. Besides, it is far more important to me (and in alignment with my values) to model being genuine than being "successful" as measured by another's stick. How freeing!

See the article to the right for a suggested activity to reinforce dropping image and living authentically. When I feel myself slipping into trying to project something other than who I am, I quickly repeat my personal mantra designed for exactly that situation.
Try out the exercise to create your own. What could yours be?

Here's one of my favorite related quotes. I believe it is by Don Miguel Ruiz. "What other people think of me . . . is none of my business."

I asked one of the women who attended the retreat to share part of her story with you all, as she is boldly moving forward with the part of her "soul's song" which she discerned on the retreat. I asked her to share it so others could be encouraged to take steps too toward their life dream. It reads as though a testimonial (thank you Nikki), yet I hope you, the reader, take away an appreciation for this wonderful young woman and her swift movement forward, and it helps you to see possibility for your own life.

"I recently attended Martha's last retreat "Your Soul's Song". What an amazing, life changing event! Not only did I meet six other amazing women, but I also found the real me. I found my "Soul's Song" and immediately put my new experiences to work. I discovered my talent for writing children's books, came home and went right to work. I found a community services class on writng children's books in my town and it begins next week. I truly believe that I am on the road to living my life fully and can't thank Martha enough for her support and encouragement! Thank You!!" -- Nikki F.

You are so welcome. We'll be excited to see your children's books out there, upholding the value of children, and I'll love to announce the publishing of your first book.

• As always, pay attention to your emotions and body responses for clues to when you get off track. (I just can't say it enough times!)
• Take the time to figure out the source for distress, tension, anger - whatever has risen up in response to a challenge to your core values.
• Watch out for those "ooo and ahhh" moments inspired by things that normally aren't all that important to you. Be ready to muffle the voice of your gremlin/inner critic when it starts to compare you and the trappings of your life with that of others.
• Cultivate relationships which allow you to remove all masks. Share with someone you trust when you aren't feeling like you are as hunky dory as the next person. Try out the waters with being honest. You will be gifted with a deepening of connection and meaning for your relationship with those people who are also looking for genuine relationship.
• Create a personal mantra to remind you that you don't need to go into "artificial" mode. My personal favorite, when I feel myself starting to tighten up with concern about image is "Be Natural." It gets to be easier and easier, for as you learn to be at ease with who you are others also are more at ease.


Since the last idea has been the most helpful for me at the moments most tempting to be concerned about image, I want to suggest that you try the following coaching exercise.

Get yourself into a comfortable and relaxed position. Recall first a time of feeling completely at ease with just being who you are - letting it all hang out, in a sense. A time when you expressed your true experience of life. A time when your actions and words matched completely who you are and what you consider important. Let yourself re- experience that for a minute or so, how you felt, what you said and did, who was there. . . .

Next, recall a situation which threw you into "what about my image" mode. What is your inner critic/gremlin saying to you in that moment? (These are often beliefs which limit our belief in ourselves and in our potential.) Then make a shift back to the initial scenario. What could that fully present, authentic self from the first scenario say instead to the second self that would release the need to please, or otherwise contort yourself to what you think would impress others? Play with what would be the most helpful words to hear when you are feeling uncomfortable with being yourself with others.

Out of this play and musing, create a short, easy to grasp "at a moment's notice" mantra or phrase that will remind you that being yourself is exactly who you are meant to be.

• I should note: There are times when it is helpful to emulate others when we are acquiring new skills and challenging ourselves to grow. This is quite different from being inauthentic and promoting an image, which is to create a different response in others rather than to create growth in ourselves.